I'm back in the city where I grew up. When I arrived, I walked into my childhood bedroom, now my mums office, and saw a post-it note of hers stuck on the wall. It read:
WHAT DID YOUR FACE LOOK LIKE BEFORE YOUR PARENT'S WERE BORN?
The question is for everyone. Usually we are in a state of becoming; generating, building, forming good foundations. But this, is a reversal, an unraveling. Letting things dissolve to the most basic structure.
I've moved from a small-knit town in Boulder, CO back to the big city of Sydney, Australia with the task to begin again. In this I met two aspects of myself. A face-off you could say, between self-fulfilled competence (people know who I am and what I do) vs. unidentified presence (I'm suddenly anonymous).
As humans we have a focus on how we express ourselves; fulfill our dreams, be purposeful. Yes, it's healthy as striving can generate a forward-momentum for what we have to give. There's a thirsty part of us, along with a community waiting for it.
And there is a sister to purposeful living - she is receptive witnessing. I've found her during my experiment with anonymity. I'm not identifiable to others, so there's a natural impulse to identify myself. It's like an itch. This happens when I meet new people. I formerly had half a dozen labels for myself, and recently I've come up against a wall. It cuts me off from any form of identification. Instead, I'm empty of labels. I find myself quiet, somewhat enjoying the emptiness inside my own head and my lack of care to be someone.
So instead what is there? I feel the experiment of the moment, resigned and curious. And I found something. It involves accepting everything. It doesn't mean that where I am now is any better or worse than her sister. I found a place in myself that accepts it all, along with things that have not yet come to be.
It asked me "are you ready to lose everything?" and I knew what it meant. When you find yourself, it's a precious peak. You sit at the apex for but a minute and embrace what you see. Then you slide down the other side to let it all disappear. And inside this place, I found words I wanted to share. Really to myself, and also with you.
It's about losing everything, questioning everything, and waiting for all your answers. All your waiting, waiting and waiting, is procrastination. Because it's here already.
Nothing has to be said, or done, or activated, or realized, or empowered, or completed, or changed, or revealed...
You are here, you are known, and the knower- is you. All the time you spend assessing the pieces of your own puzzle. Looking at which colors were nicer and sharper, or smoother and easier... it was never real. You are so loved, and the beloved, is here, is you. Everything which you feel, is allowed, because it exists; without question, comprehension or validation. When you allow truth to be with you, everything is already taken care of. You don't have to create anything beautiful.
Everything you yearn for already exists as you.
Quite simply, stop resisting and allow it to be. You don't need to freeze time any longer and ruminate on what passed. Did you know that your eyes already freeze time in just trying to help you to see? Your vision can't track movement moment-to-moment, so you snap images when you turn your head and blend it seamlessly. Your mind thinks that everything makes sense, everything must fit somewhere...
What if you told your mind to just not understand, for now. To let things fall as they are with no patterns or methods or systems or intelligence.
Your body also knows. It speaks with you in gestures. Sometimes it reminds you that you're anxious, anxiety takes over, and for a second you can't even identify why - right until it catches up with you, and you remember.
We tell each other to rest and relax...
How about uncover, listen, reveal.
If you allow your body to experience itself, you will find every answer you could possibly desire on what is happening in you.
You receive every freedom when you pause. When you allow your feelings, they are no longer against you. When you say that you are angry, and let it be, quite simply and immediately it begins to change.
Following your own truth as it unfolds will keep you free.
If you allow what is real, you will never be bound to any one feeling again. Sense you as moments happen. It requires no understanding, no premise of how to do it , nor any explanation of what you may find. Because -
Your very essence is a complete capability for what exists.
How could it be anything different?
Your heart delivers you across every aspect of who you really are. It is the source point of creation and it creates all the time, continually every moment. And when you are finally with yourself - there is nothing to identify with.
It is the deepest, darkest process of allowing, of giving in. Of dismantling and finding revelation in who you are already.
We don't need to be strong. We don't need to fight, prove, confirm, nor show people what we are made of. We need to give in.
Is it the easiest path? Or is it the hardest? I don't know.
But, you learn more about yourself when you give in.
You learn everything about yourself when you give in.
You learn to really love when you give in.
It's ironic because, precision actually happens when we let go and allow ourselves to be everything. When we allow each piece of the puzzle, no matter the color scheme, to sweep into place. It opens a vision, clear as glass, to the moment in full, and to everything needed in the situation.
When you are really here, you deeply affect everything around you, because you're so open to it.
Your most real self is without effort.
Love the light and the dark. Yogi Bhajan said that the path winds through the light and the dark, don't veer off it, because it is still the path.
Accept and forgive with everything you have. The road will only become clearer. Consoling each other is not always a virtue. It can be a demise and a disguise. You don't need to protect others from themselves, nor from yourself.
There is no story that is more valuable than what is actually true.
It's a magnificent and plain reality.
Love as you are,
~ Haaweatea Holly Bryson
---A poem by Ranshani: There is a brokenness---
There is a brokenness
out of which comes the unbroken,
A shatteredness out of which blooms the unshatterable.
There is a sorrow
Beyond all grief which leads to joy
And a fragility
Out of which depth emerges strength.
There is a hollow space
Too vast for words
Through which we pass with each loss,
Out of whose darkness we are sanctified into being.
There is a cry deeper than all sound
Whose serrated edges cut the heart
As we break open
To the place inside which is unbreakable
While learning to sing.
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